BEST ACTRESS?!!!

So, Natalie Portman got Best Actress on the Oscar's last night!  Good for her!  But she ain't as good a'actress as SPOOKY MOVIE TELEVISION'S very own BOO DE PEST!!!!!!

Sure, "Natieport" can play a crazy person, but is she crazy enough to dye herself BLUE and put on fairie wings for a very special episode of the show, that'll never air, because we couldn't afford to finish the production?!!!

Miss De Pest scalded her back somethin' awful with those damned fiber optic filamented wings she surgically attached to her back!  Said it felt like somebody put two burning hotplates on'er!  Oh, and all those fairie lights flyin' around her?!  What a great sport she was for lettin' us set off alllll those firecrackers around her!  Hell, if it wasn't for the fact I'm bald, I would singed my doo!  Hee!

Oh, if'n y'all wanna send her money so she can get her ears bobbed back into place?  The donations would be greatly appreciated!

How about this next charmin', method actress-y, disguise she donned for yet ANOTHER episode we couldn't afford to finish, with her as Mary Antwanette-Fabray, French socialite transplanted to Crab Country.  Dig that WILD hair hopper beehive she got so she could truly become a gen-U-INE BAL'MER HUN! 

Actually, we only got her dressed up in alla that stuff just to see if'n she'd do it!  SUCKER, I won the bet!  Hee HEE! 

Regardless of all the subterfuge, we love her!  Cuz she's the hostess with the MOST-ESS, the wonderful, and formidable BOO DE PEST!!!!!

I WANNA SINGA!!!!!!

Do ya'll remember that cartoon with the wittle owl singin'?!  If'n ya don't, just click on the name 

OWL JOLSON!!!! 

Much like that little owl, Dr. Sarcofiguy has always wanted TA SING so badly!  Er, um, I always wanted to sing SO MUCH, yessss!  So I scrambled some folks together and concocted a meriment of melodious malefactions for the most curiously eclectic tastes! 

So, here tiz:

DR. SARCOFIGUY'S "DEMO(NS):

THE MANY MOODS OF  DR. SARCOFIGUY!!!!"

Here's just a few titles on the MP3 collection with an accompanying "45" Record cover!  HEE:

I wrote this one, because I hate kissin' on lips caked with too much lipstick!  It don't make a lick o' sense, LITERALLY!  Gimme a lipglossed lip any day, I say!

Listen to a sample HERE!!!!

This one is a song of love and angst!  It's a doo wop that'll wop you over the head, but plenty!

Listen to a sample HERE!!!!

Well, this here melody is not about gettin' lost, but feelin' emotionally lost

whilst one is huntin' after a wavenous werewolf!  Did I just say "wavenous?!"

OH, NO I DIDN'T!!!!!

Listen to a sample HERE!!!!

Oh, this JAM will hit'cha with a BAM, I says!  And the title says it all! 

Vamps and Vampires alll the way!

Listen to a sample HERE!!!!

Break out the marshmallows cuz this song ain't even about

HEATED PASSION neither! 

This melody right here is dedicated to the memory of JOAN OF ARC!

Listen to a sample HERE!!!!



Me durin' a farewell peformance in 1968!!!!

It's horrific fun with remixes, and repurposed material (?!), along with some "serious" cuts that I wanted to croon on for the sake of croonin'!  SAMMY DAVIS JR. ain't got nothin' on ME. . . .cuz he's dead! 

But still, if'n he were alive, he'd have nothin' on me!

So click this here LINK to get your full Amazon.com exclusive experience of ME and my MP3! 

Or just get the song ya like!  You're bound to find somethin'!

And let me know what ya think by clickin' THIS!!!!

EXCELSIOR SWINGERATUS!!!!!

MR. X

My alter-ego John Dimes (who designed all the illustrations, by the by!), and I, were discussing how wonderful it would be if they would turn one of our beloved comicbook character MR. X into a movie!   We loved him back in the 80's, and most recently in the collected Volume 1 of Mr. X from Darkhorse Comics, and in the book Mr. X: Condemned, also from Darkhorse!

Oh, the colorful, film noir quality of this surreal character as he is bein' beset by the demons he inadvertently created. You see he was the chief architect of the city of Somnopolis.  His Psychotechture was suppose to subliminally, and peaceably, effect the states of mind of all the inhabitants of his fair city.  But, of course, something went TERRIBLY WRONG!  And it was up to MR. X to right this wrong!  HEE!

LOVED. . .THIS. . .BOOK!  And thank GOD for Dean Motter for creating him!

Now who would I cast as the pivotal role of the good Mr. X?  Here are my choices:

1)  Richard O' Brien:  Famed creator of Rocky Horror Picture Show & Shock Treatment!  He was fantastic in Dark City, he'd be a good choice to play X!

2)  Bill Nighy:  THIS MAN IS GOD!  He can play anything, and anybody!  I love him in everything he does!  SMOOTCHES to anybody who'd cast him!

3) Hugo Weaving:  Man's gotta the right shape cranium, and he's got that timbre of voice that just commands authority!  Great in the Matrix as Mr. Smith, so he's good at inhabiting cyphers with a secret past!  Love 'em!

4)  Tilda Swinton:  Her androgynous look has been constantly called upon in such films as Orlando and Constantine.  She's a fantastic actress that can pull off any role, any gender! 

Now all you need is a director.  Might I suggest:  Darren Aronofsky?!  Mebbe even Christopher Nolan?!  I'm just sayin'! 

A RONDO FOR HIS CONDO!!!!

CITIZEN SARCOFIGUY

Article by Connie Whang-Chung

I’m here in downtown Washington, DC at the spacious campaign headquarters of Doctor W.E.B Sarcofiguy.  There’s a flurry of activity everywhere, from young, nubile volunteers answering phones, to Dr. Sarcofiguy himself shaking hands, and kissing babies. . .a charge that he was earlier exonerated of by Circuit Court Judge Henry Plimpton.

I’ve interrupted Dr. Sarcofiguy from his busy schedule for a brief one on one about his campaign bid for the prestigious RONDO AWARD.

THE CONNIE WHANG-CHUNG/SARCOFIGUY INTERVIEW

WHANG-CHUNG:  Doctor Sarcofiguy, thank you for taking the time to sit with me. 

DOCTOR S.:  It’s my pleasure, Ms. Whang-Chung!  When they told me I was gonna be interviewed by Whang-Chung tonight, I KNEW I was gonna have FUN tonight, yesssss!

WHANG-CHUNG:  So, Doctor, you’re campaigning for the Rondo Award for Favorite Horror Host!

DOCTOR S.:   Yesss!

WHANG-CHUNG:  What’s your platform?

DOCTOR S.:  Why, it’s flat, and I’M STANDING ON IT!

WHANG-CHUNG:  It’s mahogany, I see!

DOCTOR S.:  Oh, yes!  Nothing but the best!

WHANG-CHUNG:  Let me ask you. . .how will you stimulate the economy?

DOCTOR S.:  By talkin’ suggestively about Wall Street!   To wit:   “Hey, Mr. Stockbroker!  When you’re trading, do you like it rough?”  Or, “Hey, Dow Jones!  Let me fumble with your points!  I promise I can make your stock rise, for sure!”

WHANG-CHUNG:  Sounds good!  How about the National Deficit?

DOCTOR S.:  I dunno, but “National Deficit” sounds like a great name for a ball team!  Or a boy band!  Wait—ball team.  Boy band.  Ohhhh, I’ll figure it out later!

WHANG-CHUNG:  What are you views on abortion?

DOCTOR S.:  Well, I’m kinda biased, seeing as I was the issue of an inhuman host with remarkable table manners!

WHANG-CHUNG:  I see.  And for my final question:  Where do you see yourself in five years?

DOCTOR S.:  Whatameye?!  A goddamned CLAIRVOYANT?!  I never liked that question on job interviews, and I’m damned if I’m gonna answer it now!

WHANG-CHUNG:  Thank you!

THIS CAMPAIGN HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO ABUSE EXECUTIVE WASHROOMS.

ALL ADDITIONAL PROCEEDS WILL BE DONATED TO THE PROMOTION OF TOOTH DECAY.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: 

“A BIG SMILE, MEANS A BIG MOUTH!”

"I APPROVE THIS!!!!"

NOW, VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE WHILE YOU'RE CONCIOUS: 
click here for THE RONDO AWARDS!!!!

THE CURLY AWARDS

THE FIRST ANNUAL CURLY AWARDS

Dr. Sarcofiguy is sad.  He's a "BOX OF BON BONS BITTER," that he has NEVER been nominated for a RONDO AWARD!

For those of you who don't know what a Rondo is, it's an award for Horror Excellence given to folks in the horror, or genre related community!  The bust is based on the most esteemed horror actor RONDO HATTON! 

With that said, I decided to have my own award for something that I know I could definitely be nominated for:  THE MOST BALD!  So, I have your winners (sniff, sniff!  Persevere!  KEEP A STIFF UPPER LIP, Sarcofiguy!) for the first Annual CURLY AWARDS, which, of course, is based upon CURLY from the Three Stooges!

For the BEST ACTOR in MOST BALD SITUATIONS:  BRUCE WILLIS!!!!!

When he went bald, he did it with dignity!  I ain't talkin' bald with that carefully cultivated median strip
fringe aroun' ya head like Patrick Stewart, or Sean Connery!  I'm talkin'
FULL BLOWN BALD!!!!!

For the BEST MOVIE featuring a BALD CHARACTER:  POWDER!!!!

Sean Patrick Flannery did a fantastic job sportin' his freshly shorn skull cap, y'all!

The Runner Up was:  HITMAN starring Timothy Oliphant!  I definitely digged his non-wiggedness!

HALL OF FAME:

The permanent inductees are YUL BRYNNER, TELLY SAVALAS, AND ISAAC HAYES! 

They epitomized everything that is SEXY in bein' bald!  OH, YEAH!

HALL OF SHAME:

Ex-football Pro TERRY BRADSHAW, and. . . .

 . . .Pro-Wrestler HULK HOGAN!!!!

MULLETS and BALDNESS are an unholy mixture INDEED!!!!

THE MOST PROMISING RECEDING HAIRLINE GOES TO: 

IT'S A TIE between Christian Slater and Justin Timberlake!!!!!

And I give a special LIFE TIME ACHIEVEMENT CITATION TO:

Mr. Clean for his "gosh darn" wholesome image!

And if you're a fella who ain't got absolutely NO HAIR, NO HOW, like myself?!

THEN WE'RE ALL WINNERS!!!!!

ohHHHH, who am I kiddin'!?  
I gotta sing the blues about it, sigh. . .
and you can see it right HERE!!!!

ODE TO A COMBOVER - A POEM

ODE TO A COMBOVER

by Dr. Sarcofiguy, Age 45

Alas, my precious dignity

is drowned in dire affairs,

When the wind whips haplessly,

my frayed, and tattered hairs,

In an errant whirlwind,

that cares not for my pride

So when it is breezy,

My decision, easy,

It is best to stay safe inside!

I hope this vigorously encourages all of my fellow Folically Forsaken comrades in their journey throughout the day!

And don't forget to run out and cover your head with a copy of my book:

THERE ARE NO BAD MOVIES (ONLY BAD AUDIENCES) as recently reviewed by Magoo Gelehrter of GET Magazine as, "Hilarious," and, "Doctor Sarcofiguy ought to be legendary in all corners of the world!"  Oh, and, "You will laugh painfully hard at the advice he bestows here."

I certainly ain't got no problem with that kinda recommendation!  And neither should YOU!

THERE ARE NO BAD MOVIES

(ONLY BAD AUDIENCES)

Available right HERE!

AWERENESS DAY!!!!

As we all know, yesterday was the birthday of Lon Chaney, Jr., the Original Werewolf!  Yeah!  And, of course, TODAY is what?!  NATIONAL WEREWOLF AWARENESS DAY, or just AWERENESS DAY, just in case you're a Werefish, or a Wereroach, an occurrence recounted in the Metamorphosis, the autobiography of Franz Kafka!

Anyway, I decided to single out one particular Werewolf to be AWERE of today, and that's GAROU from the charmin' cast of Shilling Shockers, YESSS!  Why Garou?  Because he fetched me my paper once, and it was good!

So, sing with me, in the tune of "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window," this tribute song:

Remember your WEREWOLF, he's a friend, though!

A pal and a pet ne're on fours!

Remember your WEREWOLF, he's a friend, though!

And remind him to stay on the moors!

Continue the Awereness Day festivities all year long with me and the charmin' Boo De Pest on SPOOKY MOVIE TELEVISION as shown all over Northern Virginia - in Arlington on Arlington Independent Media (AIM), in Fairfax on Fairfax Public Access (FPA) and returning next week to Falls Church on Falls Church Community Television (FCCTV)!

And don't forget to read my well received manifesto on movies:

THERE ARE NO BAD MOVIES
(ONLY BAD AUDIENCES)

Available exclusively through AMAZON.COM
Just click HERE!!!!

MOVIESSUCKTASTIC!!!!

Dr. Sarcofiguy's official spokesmodel JOHN DIMES was interviewed for our charmin' collaboration THERE ARE NO BAD MOVIES (ONLY BAD AUDIENCES) for the the Moviesucktastic Podcast! 

Mr. Dimes was interviewed for A LOOOONNNNG time!  And folks, it was the most fun he's had in ages.  It was like he was talkin' to old friends at a bar.  All was needed was a couple of beers, some hot wings, and a few comely, sexistly garbed, Kardasian-like lady folks wearin' Hooter's T-shirt!  HEE! 

So, click on to the various links that Messrs.S. Scott Wilson & J.F. Guida so graciously provided your good Doctor, and have some fun!  Mr. Dimes certainly did!  YESSSSS!!!!!

 Their website, where the episode can be listened to streaming:

http://moviesucktastic.com/

iTunes:

http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/moviesucktastic/id338040545

The MST Blog Update on the episode:

http://boothreviews.blogspot.com/2011/02/there-are-no-bad-movies-just-bad.html

Our Facebook Page:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/MovieSuckTastic/148687791994

DEAR MARVEL - "WHAT THE?!" The Comic Book

A letter to Marvel Comics from the IMPOSSIBLE MAN:

Dear Mr. Marvel Comics,

My name is the Impossible Man!  Well, that is what I'm called!  My real name is, well, SLARTIBARTFAST!  Not really, HEE!  My real name is unimportant.  I'm not joking, kind sir.  That's my really, real name:  Unimportant.  Well, that's how it's pronounced.  How it's spelled on my world is "Frgipfgopt!" which translates on YOUR world as "Unimportant!"  Don't you love galactic homonyms?  I certainly do!

Mars in the Summertime!

The reason why I'm writing you is to inform you that Uatu and I are just coming off our road trip across the stars!  YEEESS!  He's ready to host that comic book you cancelled eons ago, "WHAT THE?!!!"  He said that he knows just the writer who could do it right!  Just call'em!  He's been watchin' the guy for some time now.  Watchin' him closely.  That's what the Watcher does, you know?  Watches stuff.  Right now he's watching Dr. Who!  Uatu loves all of that time travel stuff, and alternate realities. . . 




 . . .speaking of which, we're on our way BACK to Jamaica, Mon!  Hee! 

Happy Trails (winkwink!)
IMPY!

DEAR MARVEL: LIL' DOCTOR STRANGE!!!!!

I've been petitioning comicbook companies for the last two days to get them to let ME fiddle with some of their characters!  Mr. Myxlplk was one.  Teen Hulk, obviously another.  Here's my next favorite to tackle:

AHHH, the glorious DR. STRANGE!

I love Steve Ditko's Strange!  With Stan Lee writing those wonderfully twisted, faux Eastern Religious stories on magic and mysticism were totally appropriate for the New Age, hippie dippie 60's!!!!!

I loved it when Marshall Rogers was on the book!

Frank Brunner was a dream!!!!

And the Great Gentleman Gene Colan was the absolute definitive look on the book!

Loved the TV Movie from 1978, which I OWN on VHS!  Hee!

And I LOVE the recent cartoon!

I tellya, Dr. Strange has been through the ringer so many times!  So many faces changes, and power loses!  It's time that ya'll let ME, DOCTOR SARCOFIGUY, handle the DOCTOR!  It's time ta get FROUD-LIKE on 'em!  It's time to DARK CRYSTALIZE 'em, I say!!!!!!

That's right, I'm talkin' about turnin' him into a powerful Elf in Fairyland!  I've even got the perfect villain all mapped out for 'em!

Zahma Kli:  THE MERCIFUL!  Not!

He looks like a cute Buddhist Pokemon right now!  But in truth, the cosmic entity's true form is so VILE!  So HEINOUSLY FRIGHTENING, that the mind can only perceive him as a benign, round-headed cherub.  WITH a triangular halo, no less!  Yeesssssss!

OH, PUH-leasseeee LEMME try it MARVEL!!!!!

YOU WON'T BE SORRY!