NAVEL GAZING

    
     Dr. Sarcofiguy was meditating one evening as he often does.  He sets just the right mood for the purpose.  He employs the medicinal distortion effects found through ingesting vast quantities of nutmeg, and iceberg lettuce.   So the good Doctor at these times makes himself a very, very, very LARGE salad, and drinks himself a mess of what he calls a "Nutmega-Extracurricular Eggnog Toddy," and opiates himself into a peaceable introspection.

     He sits in a sorta hunched lotus/Maitreya-ish position on some soft silk cushions bought straight from the faraway land of IKEA, and he commences to contemplate his rather prodigious navel.  Whilst in concentration, he is bothered by the interruption of all the stretch marks encircling the circumference of his outie!  On one such occasion he wondered aloud, “Canya foretell ones future from reading ones stretch marks like you’d read the lines of one’s palm?!”  There were no answers from the ether forthcoming as my voice left my mouth in a visible trail of sensually anthropomorphic crème smoke.  Abandoned by my own query, I was left to wonder in anguish.  That is until I started to realize that people have often gotten profound precognitive glimpses into the future of the self, or selves, by means of Chiromancy (Palmistry), Dactyloscopy, the study of fingerprints.  Anthropomancy, the reading of freshly sacrificed human organs, Bronchiomancy the reading of lungs plumbed from sacrificed white llamas, or Cromniomancy, the reading of onions.

     I even thought of the other sciences of Physiognomy or Phrenology, the science of reading the bumps, dips and shape of one’s head or face as an indicator of personality or intelligence.  And my personal favorite:  Gyromancy, the science of wandering in a circle of letters until dizzied, where one ultimately fall upon the letters that would form a word response, much like using an Ouija board!

     So I figured that there must be a science devoted to the lines of navel stresses! So I did my investigation, and found a Metaphysician/Clairvoyant who practiced the art of Gastromancy or  Krustomphaloskepsis, the science of determining the future through the study of stretch marks, especially as it pertains to “naval crackery,” yeessss!   The Krustomphaloskepsisologist I contacted was one Dr. Avalnay Bahli-Bonton!
“The belly button is the Ouroborous circle indicating the universe as a whole,” he explained.  “The universe is time.  All time.  Happening all at once.  It is like your CD, or DVD, yes?  All the information is there.  All we must do is simply hone the mind as keenly as a laser to read this information so that it is encoded upon our very souls in harmony with the finite disposition of the external finite infinity!”

     I went, "WHAT!? and WOW!" all at the same time!

     Bahli-Bonton went on to explain that the stretch marks about the naval are, “the tributary lines of all destinies into the finite.  There is one destiny, but several destinations towards reaching it.”

     WHAT AND WOW AGAIN!

     So I asked my dear Dr. Bahli-Bonton what he could read from my belly!  And these are his premonitions/predictions/prognostications for me in the coming year:
    
    “I see you on the t.v. screens of an unending multitude of people.  It is unclear whether you are famous, or infamous.  There is a great deal of vehement yelling or shouting!”

    
     “Your book, THERE ARE NO BAD MOVIES (ONLY BAD AUDIENCES) will be bought and shunned by many.  But that is okay.  You still have their money!”

     “You will be releasing a collection of melodies.  The song, “MY GIRLFRIEND IS ON FIRE,” will be released to much acclaim.  It will also be cause for an intense police investigation into the whereabouts of a certain actress named, um—I see Cicely.  Cycely Tyson!  Perhaps this is why you are on a multitude of television screens!”

    
     “You’ll be invited to perform a duet with famed performer PEACHES CHRIST.  Then you’ll be uninvited after the first session because of certain improprieties, LIBERTIES taken with the staff party platter, and a rolled bit of turkey lasciviously wielded.”
    
     “You’ll receive a large sum of money!”
    
     And then our reading was over as he handed me to two-hundred bucks he borrowed to get his car out of impound!

WOW, this guy is GOOOOOOODDDD!

THE ABBERZOMBIE & FLITCH: MONSTER MEN'S CATALOGUE

Ooooh, a few racy images from the upcoming catalog aimed at all you attractive, trendy monsters out there!

DOCTOR SARCOFIGUY PRESENTS: DAVID LYNCH VS SALVADOR DALI

Originally presented in the pages of BASH MAGAZINE &

THE VERSUS ANTHOLOGY (Press 53)

DOCTOR SARCOFIGUY PRESENTS: The Rites of Pretending Tribe (Excerpted)

From my alter ego's pen to your library. . . .

THE RITES OF PRETENDING TRIBE

By John Dimes

 His name is Mr. Home--no first name required, because he doesn’t really exist.  Of course, he breathes, and walks. Has powers beyond comprehension. But it’s so hard when one feels imaginary.

However real or imagined he believes himself to be, Home discovers it will take the strongest possible

belief, the most cunning sort of dream to combat those of his fearsome adversary Flicker and his minions of The Pretending Tribe. For the Tribe’s dreams threaten to consume the world in a wondrous sleep from which there is no awakening.

. Reading level: Young Adult

. Paperback: 228 pages

. Publisher: Zumaya Otherworlds

Available here  or here!

See the promotion video here!

HEY, HEY, HEY!!!!: The Etymological Historification

It has been often wondered how the word “Hey!” has become such an important part of the human lexicon.  It is more than just a homonym, my friends. 

Farmers obviously used hay to feed their various and sundry equine animals.  If these animals were lucky, they were sometimes treated to molasses mixed in with the hay as a sort of dessert.  But to understand the origins of the word “Hey” you must look to the word “Haywire.” 

To wit from FreeDictionary.com:

hay·wire  (h w r )

n.

Wire used in baling hay.

adj. Informal

1. Mentally confused or erratic; crazy: went haywire over the interminable delays.

2. Not functioning properly; broken.

---

[From the use of baling wire for makeshift repairs .]

Word History: Why should the word for something as functional and mundane as haywire have come to be applied to something that is not functioning properly or to a person who is crazy? It would seem a story of semantics gone haywire. Haywire is a compound of the words hay and wire, originally simply denoting wire used to bale hay or straw. The term is first recorded as a noun in a debate in the Canadian House of Commons (1917), so it is a Canadianism or, since it appeared soon thereafter in a U.S. publication, a North Americanism. We find an earlier (1905) attributive use in the phrase hay wire outfit, a term used contemptuously for poorly equipped loggers. What lies behind this term is the practice of making repairs with haywire. Haywire is found in other contexts with the general sense "makeshift, inefficient," from which come the extended senses "not functioning properly" and "crazy." 

There are further attributions to creator Fernando De La Jorge’, nicknamed “Hey,” for his wire re-enforced hemp rope that was used by farmers to bind their hay.  It was known that “Hey” often smoked his wire/rope composition recreationally.  It was an act commonly referred to as going “Haywire” because of its astounding hallucinogenic effects, and terrible metal aftertaste.

Musician Jimi Hendrix would often go “Haywire,” where he would achieve a heightened level of cosmic perception and awareness.  On one such occasion Hendrix actually telepathically communed with a universal consciousness in the form of a vast nebula of sentient purple energy he came to know as The Purple Haze.   This being imbued him with awesome musical abilities, as well as channeled its “voice” through him. 

During one of Hendrix’s psychedelic drug experimentations, this Purple Haze was caught up in the recoiling effects of a psychic backlash, and the being “tripped” itself from out of the universal mainframe, and incarnated into a human corporeal form.   The Purple Haze, still suffering from the lingering effects of the drug episode, experienced trailing visual echoes of itself, after images that ultimately splintered into three distinct beings:   Helen Hayes, Billie Hayes and Issac Hayes, the Holy Haze Triumvirate!

Many are the miracles bestowed upon mankind through the Haze/Hayes Triumvirate!  If properly evoked, the tripled headed “Deus Androgyne Purepel “ would appear unleashing its purple well-spring to overflowing! 

Here is Hendrix sacrificing his guitar to the Purple Godhead!

Hence we come to the term, “Hey!”  It is a form of honoring the mystical being thrice-wise cleaved!  To say just, “Hey,” however, as in the term, “Say HEY, Willie Mays,” has always been considered a heretical faux pas in the mystical community. 

People like Bill Cosby who understood the power of the proper invocation to the blessed Purple Haze, made level sure to effectively provide his character Fat Albert with the proper verse as duly prescribed by the great, secret metaphysicians of the world.  The term, “Hey, Hey, Hey!  It’s Fat Albert!” 

Notice how the three Hayes are properly evoked at the start of the prayer, whereby he or she who has uttered the prayer and petition are thus indicated at the end of the prayer!

Heywood Nelson (Haywood: n. Entymology - He who is likely to go, "Hey, Hey, Hey!"  The receptor of the divine blessings!) on the television show What’s Happening, often entered into the room with a hearty, “Hey, Hey, Hey!”  Notice how the fictional character’s name was omitted.  This was a decision judiciously made.  If his name were to be placed at the end of the statement, it would truly alert the Hayes, and they would immediately confer and bestow their cosmic gifts upon the petitioner regardless!

Musician/acolyte John Lennon once harnessed the emotional, and psychic power of the The Haze, or the “Viola Trioditus Caliga” as it was then known, by releasing his album Double Fantasy.  A title that was rife with hidden symbolism.  The album was originally to be titled Triple Fantasy, but it was opted against because of his belief that life was a fantasy, death was a fantasy, but being one with the eternal cosmos was indeed NOT a fantasy.

Purple atheist Paul McCartney, with artist/co-conspirator Michael Jackson, recorded the dismal, yet danceable duet Say, Say, Say! as a drubbing of The Haze Entity.  Singer/Songwriter Lionel Ritchie, as ever the epitome of “being in the ice cream and not even knowing the flavor,” recorded the derivative little ditty Say You, Say Me, as way of bringing Haze harmony to the masses, but with lackluster results. 

Say, You, Say Me was, of course, taken from the abysmal, ill-conceived album, “Dancing on the Ceiling.”

But here we have the current emissary of the works and voice of the cosmic Haze as poured forth from the creative talents of one Prince Rogers Nelson!  When Prince sang of a Purple Rain, his actual thinking was the “reigning” of the “purple” where it’s power would beneficently preside over all!  And the song Raspberry Beret?  It wasn’t just about a hat, but the color fluctuation of the Haze as it reverses the polarities of the red aura of the heart chakra with the crown chakra at the top of the head.  When the red mixes with the divine violet energies, indeed it is quite a pleasant raspberry tone!  

So to have this beneficial, eldritch power work in your life, don’t just say, “Hey!”  Say, “Hey, hey, hey!

 

So mote it be, ya’ll!!!!

Don’t forget to buy,

THERE ARE NO BAD MOVIES! (ONLY BAD AUDIENCES)

Available here!

IT JUST OCCURED TO ME!

Dr. Sarcofiguy was reading the newspaper this morning, and then it hit ‘em:  HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW HOW TO READ?!!!

I was one of those kids that had to stay out of school a whole year because of my birthday landing on the wrong day for enrollment, or some such nonsense!  So, I didn’t start school along with everybody else.  But what I can’t seem to remember is HOW I learnt how to read!

My parents certainly never read to me! 

Momma Farma Sue Tickle-Sarcofiguy only read the Gerber’s Baby Food jar to me in that irritating cutsey voice of hers whilst she was tryin’ to convince me that, “Strained peas is just the thing, honey chile!  And these squashed carrots?!  YUMZAHS!” she’d say, whilst, of course, taking a spoonful herself.

Come to think of it, she’d absently eat the whole thing during her impromptu demonstrations, leaving wittle Sarcofiguy to be a most hungry and totally terrifying TOT!  It was such a reoccurring theme with us, my momma sampling my victuals, that the phrase Momma Bites, and Momma Couples, came into being. 

“Let Momma have a bite of your hamburger,” was a statement that would turn my Big Mac into a light snack.  And the phrase, “Let Momma have a couple of your potato chips,” would leave me with nary a crumb to snatch, nor even enough salt to taunt a SLUG with!!!!

Daddy Cassias E. Missions-Sarcofiguy, a geneticist who unsuccessfully spliced the genes of an ostrich with a chicken, so that farmers could have 50% more chicken necks to effectively wring--and for the consumer to boil for a good soup stock, never read to me either!  All he’d do was extol the virtues of, “good nasal hygiene!”

“One should pick one’s nose as frequently as possible!  The nose is a cavity, not a cavern!  There should be no trace evidence of proboscisal stalactite, or stalagmite formations visibly erected in ones nostrils!” he’d say.

So how ever DID I learn to read?  How I ever enjoyed Dr. Seuss, Mrs. Piggle Wiggle, and Runaway Ralph as a boy is beyond me!

Sigh!

XMAS MUSIQUE!!!!

aH, the holidays!  I have so much to be thankful for this year!  I have money in the bank!  Well, my piggy bank!  And food in the fridge, mostly freezer burned.  But I like that waxworks look about freeze dried meat.  It's like making jerky on the cheap!

Anyway, my holiday season has a soundtrack, and that soundtracks involves a few of these little didities playing at stentorian levels in the background of my house hold.

Behold:



John Water Christmas



Oh, how I love this CD!  It's like having John Waters right there in your house! And I'd love to have 'em over!  I'd serve 'em all the usual Xmas finger foods!  Pigs in a Blanket!  Tater Tots, au gratin!  Vienna Sausages!  And all served with those fancy cocktail toothpicks with the colorful little plastic filaments on them!  Oh, how it bespeaks of class and distinction, just like this CD! 

My favorite from the collection:  Santa Claus is a Black Man! 



Alexander O'Neal:  My Gift To You

 You say you wanna get down on XMAS?!  Well then this disc will getcha rockin' and knockin' the boots around ole Tannebaum, y'all! 
My favorite from the collection:  Sleigh Ride! It's dancy, and prancy!  CAREFUL, don't tread on your presents by accident whilst dancin'!




David Deboy:  Crabs For Christmas

 No, he ain't talkin' about gettin' some kinda sexually transmitted infestation over the holidays!  No!  This here is a "Ballmore" classic, Hon!

My favorite:  Aluminum Christmas Tree!  I have an aluminum christmas tree!  Oh, I love how it makes sounds as I stomp through the house, or as a good stiff breeze blows through the house because of my poorly insulated walls!  The tree actually sounds like its SINGING!  And I got the rotating colored light wheel making the thing look like a silver-haired old lady's with a badly dyed hair job!

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics

This is one of the first things I dust off and break out of my collection EVERY YEAR!  There's nothing more absurd than this talking TURD!  Every song is brillyunt, but my favorite: 

The Most Offensive Song Ever 

Oh, Kenny!  I don't know what you're saying, but I have a good idear, honey chile!

Annie Lennox:  A Christmas Cornucopia

If'n y'all wanna keep your Xmas traditional, like Dickensian, then you need to check this out like immediately!  Annie Lennox takes the Xmas standards and proceeds to sings her ass off on every cut!  I ain't lyin'!  She made me love these songs all over again with her arrangements/interpretations.  

 

My favorite:  Il Est Ne Le Divin Enfant, she sings it like a real Frenchie!  But you gotta see her "God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman" video!  It's beautiful, and insanely XMAS with her featuring that trademark zealous fervor, and insane glee in those dazzling blue eyes of hers!  She wants you to have a Merry Xmas WITH GUSTO in the vid!  Check it out here!

So hurry down to your store, or to Amazon to get you jingle on early!