Friday, January 28, 2011


I was just discussing with a friend of mine how her nephew was born in a family of overachievers.  His father is a brilliant business man, his mother is a Nursing Administrator, or so I'm to understand.  His older sister is attending school on a volleyball scholarship.  His younger sister is being courted by colleges for her amazing basketball skills.  She's only 15, fer chrissakes, and schools are already fighting over her.

The nephew.  The middle child.  He's been classified as ordinary.  He gets ordinary grades, and isn't making any significant blip on the radar of life at all, and it seems to be driving him to despair.  My friend suggests that he should make peace with his ordinary life in the face of all his family's achievements and accomplishments. 

I believe that there is something extraordinary in the seemingly "ordinary."  That there is more to ordinary people than we realize.  That there is something that was not encouraged in these folks that other people do not notice.  There are so many levels of achievement in this world that it just doesn't make any sense to have a child like this, this middle child, be ignored.  My friend likens this child to being like most folks:  They live, they move through existence for a time, then they die.  My friend says that there's nothing wrong with that, but she makes it sounds so fruitless.  So meaningless.  So unworthy of notice or discussion.  It was almost like his life were a penalty, or a consolation prize. 

It's like my friend was saying, "They are of no interest to me, therefore they shouldn't be of any interest to anyone else."

Is it naive to believe that there is a secret to them these regular people? That there isn't a hidden "nobility" to them?  That there is an excellence that can not be judged by we who only effectively achieve by the prevailing standards of a fickle society?   For people to take notice of you, to take you even remotely seriously, you have to be great at sports, or have high academic/intellectual achievements, or be a fantastic artists, comedian, or musician.  Or you have to be physically attractive. 

What about being praised for having good character?  An extraordinairy athlete/person like Tiger Woods did not, obviously, guarantee that he was going to have the requisite character. 

Hell, the movie The Incredibles touched upon this issue of superheroes acting like everybody else.  They used the phrase that "everybody was special." "That's because nobody is," retorts another, because they felt it was the lamentation of the ordinary.

I think of Solerie in the film Amadeus, "I obsolve you.  I obsolve you all.  All the mediocrities.  I am its patron saint!" 

There was a certain dictator that was ignored for being an "okay artist?"  There was a film called Max that explored the possibilities of this certain individual had he been effectively encouraged in his work.  But, it showed the inevitability of his nature.  Of his destiny of monstrous cruelty. 

I wonder still, when we are labelled a certain way, will we be moved to live up to our potential?  Or will we live up to the title, and all that it implies?  All that is continually heaped upon us from that point on? 

We make such a big deal over the extrordinary.  Those who achieve our notice.  Why is ordinary treated so ordinarily?

Thursday, January 27, 2011


So, one of my friends was annoyed that I chose wimpy actor Michael Cerna as a real life Kermit The Frog.  I mean, it was perfect casting, no?! 

Well, I thought so!  I mean, with that high reedy voice of his, I figured he'd be IDEAL singing The Rainbow Connection.  In fact, I'm bawling my eyes out just thinking about it!

Anyway, here's a butched up image of Kermit, starring Christian Bale. 

I don't like Christian Bale.  But he's the ideal candidate for the role, as per my friend Lord Stabsalot of MONSTER MADHOUSE LIVE!!!!

Soooooo. . . .GO KICK SOME BUTT, KERMIE!!!!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I just posted this on my Facebook page!  But I'm placin' it HERE so folks can see it in greater detail!  Michael Cerna is Kermit, Zack Gallifinakas as Fozzy, and Snooki as Miss Piggy!  CAN'TCHA JUST SEE IT?!!!!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Scratch n' Sniff cards!  YAY!  Their history as per WIKIPEDIA:

Scratch and sniff technology generally refers to things that have been treated with a microfragrance coating. When scratched, the coating releases an odor that is normally related to an image being displayed under the coating.
Stickers became common in the late 1970s, and grew into big business for several companies throughout the early and mid-1980s. As the technology evolved to an "acid-free" design the sticker craze seemed to come to a close.
Samples of scratch and sniff stickers are used for detection of individual anosmia, although this practice declined after the end of the Cold War.
Utility companies have sometimes enclosed scratch and sniff cards in their bills to educate the public on recognizing the smell of a methane gas leak. However, this sometimes would lead to a rash of false alarms as the scent emanating from a discarded scratch and sniff is later mistaken for a real gas leak.

MERCY, that would've been fun to experience! 

I know for me as a kid, it was the kewlest, most intimate experience ever, cuz kids like to smell smelly things alla time, right?!  There was always some kid just raucously fascinated about someone cuttin' a fart!  Or askin' if someone "let one?"  Or callin' folks "stinky" just for the hell of it! 

When I really thought about it, it was the closest I was ever gonna get to being inside of Willy Wonka's amazing chocolate factory, where he had folks lickin' on all the walls!!!!!

The best experience I'll ever have with scratch n' sniff cards was with the movie Polyester.  Here's another entry from WIKIPEDIA:

John Waters designed Odorama for the film Polyester.  Odorama, a "scratch-and-sniff" gimmick inspired by the work of William Castle and the 1960 film Scent of Mystery, which featured a device called Smell-O-Vision. Special cards with spots numbered 1 through 10 were distributed to audience members before the show, in the manner of 3D glasses. When a number flashed on the screen, viewers were to scratch and sniff the appropriate spot. Smells included the scent of flowers, pizza, glue, gas, grass, and feces. For the first DVD release of the film the smell of glue was changed due to, as Waters states, "political correctness". The gimmick was advertised with the tag "It'll blow your nose!"
After being prompted to scratch and sniff the bouquet of flowers, a quick swap was made substituting old ratty sneakers, resulting in a joke on the audience.

Well, in the spirit of that, I decided to conduct an independent survey on what folks like to smell so I could make my OWN scratch n' sniff card!  And you know what folks want to smell?


Click!  Save!  SMELL!!!!
So I hung out with a few folks, own the D.L., and distilled an approximate scent related to the celebrity involved!

1.  NATALIE PORTMAN:  Oh, she smells just like she looks!  Like a fragrant garden in Florence!  Very jasmine-y and gardenia-ish!  AAAAAHHHH!

2.  KEITH RICHARDS:  He smells like he LOOKS too!  Like Egyptian funereal rites!  Bitumen and old linen bandages!

3.  LINDSAY LOHAN:  Her smell was somethin!  Like desperation, and Prada handbags!

4. JUSTIN BEIBER:  His wasn't easy, but I figured it out eventually.  He smell of surgically arrested puberty, and Italian castrati!  Oh, with a little bit of bubble gum lipgloss. 

5.  PRINCE:  He smell of expensive silks, patchoulli oils, and Kraft Mac N' Cheese! 


7.  MONIQUE:  Her scent is my favorite scent, because it's just like that gum Willy Wonka created!  Yesss!  By the time I finished inhaling her, I nearly turned into a BLUEBERRY!  But she mostly smells of McGridlles and cornstarch!

8.  DR. SARCOFIGUY:  I was quite surprised that people actually wanted to know what I smelled like!  It was determined that I reminded folks of memography fluid and vanilla Alba 77!  YUM!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I figured I'd give y'all an advanced peek at the line up of my new musical recording!  I wish it was done in SENSURROUND, but I just couldn't afford the technology!

Here's the cover and the back cover.  Seeing as the release will most likely be available as an MP3 through, you probably won't get to see all the back cover matter.  You can never tell, though! 

Lemme know what ya think of the design, if ya happen to be thinking anything at all when ya visit!


Thursday, January 13, 2011

PARACINEMA MAGAZINE REVIEW: My favorite review, thus far!

There Are No Bad Movies! (Only Bad Auidences)

0 Comments 13 January 2011, Author:  CHRISTINE
There Are No Bad Movies! (Only Bad Audiences). What a name for a book! It speaks volumes before you ever crack it open. And this is truly Dr. Sarcofiguy’s aka John Dimes’ opinion. In short, movies are what we make of them.
This book speaks truths, and it speaks them with a sly smirk and a coy wink. The author takes a conversational tone as he recalls personal experiences with “Arm Chair Critics.” We all know the types. Defined here as “unpaid, self appointed emissaries of all things cinematic.” Dimes even takes the time to draw up a list of phrases the Arm Chair Critic will commonly use to critique a film. The list alone makes this book a must have. I can assure you the phrases in question are not only amusing, but also accurate. And I must admit I’m guilty of having thrown a few around.
As I mentioned, the tone of the book is very casual, almost as if you’re chatting with an old pal who wants to let you in on a revelation they just had. The author’s main goal is to educate. He wants us to take a step back and realize that there’s a good chance our enjoyment of a film had more to do with ourselves and less with the director or star. It’s a message I endorse. It’s kind of like saying “hey, take accountability for your crap mood!” I don’t think it’ll work in every situation… but still! It’s always a good idea to try and view things from a new perspective. And this book contains that perspective. And I’m pretty sure it’ll be a new one for most of us. Visit amazon and pick up your copy of There Are No Bad Movies! (Only Bad Audiences) and bask in John Dimes’ quick wit as he drops cinematic truths on you! Maybe we can all learn how to be better audiences.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Well, folks!  I'm proud to make a stunning announcement!  With Oprah Winfrey having OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network, I've been given the opportunity to have one of my own!  YESSS! 

It's called. . . .BONE! 

Black Owned Network Entertainment! 

Set ya your eyes on the line up!

Legendary actor DEMOND WILSON reprises his role as Lamont Sanford, PRIVATE EYE!  Oh,I can't wait to see all the mysteries he'll solve on the mean streets of Paducah, Kentucky, y'all! 

From the mad genius of Tyler Perry comes this charming situation comedy where an ex-mayor--and possibly ex-crackhead--falls head over heels for a glamourous, Oscar-winning starlet! 
Can these two totally different people get along without driving each other crazy!?

Didja say, "TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL?!"

Well here's a brand new paranormal reality show featuring Dr. Phil and Pastor Joel Osteen!  Watch them as they help folks to cope with angels with a predilection for "flying a little too close to the ground!"

Didja think I forgot about the kids?!  $%#@ NO!!!!

Here's a game show hosted by Justin Bieber where kids ask the tough questions, like: 
"What's the proper peanut butter to jelly ratio?!"  Or, "Pop Tarts?  Are they pops or tarts?!" 
If he can't answer it, you win LOADS OF PRIZES!!!!!!!

And here's something for the WHOLE family!

From the producers of Glee comes this Super Soul Musical version of Mary Poppins
starring Queen Latifah as the nanny with the wiggle in her wand, and love in her heart in

Oh, don't pay any attention to this next show!

This was supposed to be a variety show featuring Cuba Gooding, Jr.!  But I cancelled it, because I'm still mad at him for making that movie CHILL FACTOR with Skeet Ulrich!  I was a very, very, very bad audience for THAT movie!  So, I'm in negotiations with Dennis Haysbert!  I don't know if he can SING, but he's got a certain dignity to 'em, don't you find?

And don't forget the premiere of Tyler Perry's BLACK SWAN!!!!! 
Exclusively on BONE Television!

"Where everyone can have a bone of their OWN!"

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

STROLLING DOWN MEMORY LANE: When it was once in a good neighborhood!

Ah, I remember the late 70's.  It was the bicentenial, and everything was either about John Adams, George Washington, or Thomas Jefferson!  Eagle pictures were everywhere!  Commerative coins with Benedict Arnold proliferated. 

The late 70's were also very good years for movies!  There was JAWS. . . .and especially STAR WARS! 

There was also disco!  I LOVED DISCO!  So what do you think happened when they married STAR WARS with DISCO?!  MY HEAD BLEW UP, and it was all because of one man!  One man with a DREAM to have us wittle kids dance our asses off to the Catina Band, Yoda, and even the aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind!  Who was that one man?!


Every once and awhile I break out my lp's and I listen to the genius arrangements of MECO MONARDO, HAROLD WHEELER, and TONY BONGOVI (Uncle to JON BON JOVI)!

YES, I own ALMOST everything!

Oh, yes!  I remember rockin' out to this little ditty here!  I still got the original lp.  Well, I have the second of the original lp.  I broke the first one when I accidentally stepped on it!  Oh, about the Galactic Funk. . .

Oh, this one is brilliant!  It's got the Close Encounters Theme, complete with the Mothership scene as a disco duel!  And there's an exellent treatment of the jazz song "Topsy" which is performed on here by The Catina Band.  And they SING too!  LOVELY!

Oh, this HERE is a marvel of music!  You'll be easin' on down the road to OZ before you know it on this one!  It's even got guest vocals by the Wicked Witch of the West herself, y'all!  The poppies ain't gonna put you to sleep with all this partyin' carryin' on!  It's STUNNING!  I'M SERIOUS! 

Oh, the theme to SUPERMAN!  Not only does it have guest vocals from LOIS LANE, it's got a side B that beyond belief!  Oh, the B cuts have original themes for The Caped Crusader, The Boy Wonder, The Lord of The Jungle, and The Amazing Amazon!  Chile, she's a wonder!  AND A WOMAN!
Y'all should find this album and make tonight a 

OH YEAH!  Star Trek: The Motion Picture AND The Black Hole themes!  Felt like somebody beamed me across the head that year!  And is that really Majell Barrett with guest vocals on this thing?!  I THINK SO!

I got this, ya'll.  And lemme tellya, the Empire has definitely GOT BACK!

I got THIS on cd!

I definitely got THIS on cd too!  MECO:  Dance Your Asteroids Off! 
I did ya'll!  I did!  Next time I'll wear a belt to keep
them in place!  Get it, an "Asteroid Belt!" 

ANYWAY:  It's got the Duel of the Fates theme on this one!  And a truly entertaining, and marvelous cut featuring none other than JAR JAR BINKS!  He's rappin', y'all!  OH, IT'S KEWL, I tellya!  And it even features the original Ewok Celebration song that they cut out of the Special Edition Return of the Jedi, with C3PO Rappin' on that one!  YEAH!

Remember the CLAP TRACK era of music?!  Well MECO was part of that too!

Both of these albums are the bomb diggity!  I just wished they'd release them ALL on CD at some point!  SIGH!  Lemme break out my turntable until then!


Monday, January 10, 2011

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

LOOSING FACE: The Secret Behind The Shades!!!!

What goes on behind the shades of Dr. Sarcofiguy?
Are there optic blasts, ala CYCLOPS from the X-men that he has to contend with?
Or are his eyes all cosmically speckled with some type of eldritch energy like that other dude from the comics, WONDERMAN?!
Is he stoned and he’s tryin’ ta hide the ole RED EYE?  Au contrare, mon ami!
Actually, what’s going on is a secret that’s never been told. . .UNTIL NOW!  It’s a new year, and I made a resolution to be a man of full disclosure, YEAH!  So, the secret to the shades are:

They are there to keep his face latched on!  Ever heard of the term “losing face?”  Well the good Doctor’s face literally gets lost sometimes!  It rips itself off my skull like a Rick Baker mask, and it toddles off to God knows where! 

It wouldn’t happen if I weren’t always so damned prideful, so embarrassed to  just attach the headgear harness to my shades! 

Oh, you should see the places my face ends up!

This is my face bookin' down the highway to Charlottesville, VA!!!!

This is my face in Peru with a pack a' alpaca!

This is my face down in Nawleans at Southern Decadence! 
I STILL don't know what THAT'S about!

This is a Doctor friend of my using his Sonic Screwdriver ta give my face a jump!


This is my face inside of a blob at Blobfest in Pennsylvania!

This is one of those moments where my face decides it wants to galavant around the
AFI theater whilst I was taken a nap! 
The lovely Leanna Chamish is pointing at where it got to, up in the rafters!
I remember Curtis Prather's comment at the time:  "Oh, that wacky face of yours!"

This is what I look like when my face up and leaves me!  Of course, it takes the fez with it! 
So without a spare, I have to make do with this stupid helmet!
Featured in the photo here with me is that Dick Dyszel guy trying not to
laugh as he's miking me for the show!

I remember my thoughts at the time: