Dr. Sarcofiguy was meditating one evening as he often does. He sets just the right mood for the purpose. He employs the medicinal distortion effects found through ingesting vast quantities of nutmeg, and iceberg lettuce. So the good Doctor at these times makes himself a very, very, very LARGE salad, and drinks himself a mess of what he calls a "Nutmega-Extracurricular Eggnog Toddy," and opiates himself into a peaceable introspection.
He sits in a sorta hunched lotus/Maitreya-ish position on some soft silk cushions bought straight from the faraway land of IKEA, and he commences to contemplate his rather prodigious navel. Whilst in concentration, he is bothered by the interruption of all the stretch marks encircling the circumference of his outie! On one such occasion he wondered aloud, “Canya foretell ones future from reading ones stretch marks like you’d read the lines of one’s palm?!” There were no answers from the ether forthcoming as my voice left my mouth in a visible trail of sensually anthropomorphic crème smoke. Abandoned by my own query, I was left to wonder in anguish. That is until I started to realize that people have often gotten profound precognitive glimpses into the future of the self, or selves, by means of Chiromancy (Palmistry), Dactyloscopy, the study of fingerprints. Anthropomancy, the reading of freshly sacrificed human organs, Bronchiomancy the reading of lungs plumbed from sacrificed white llamas, or Cromniomancy, the reading of onions.
I even thought of the other sciences of Physiognomy or Phrenology, the science of reading the bumps, dips and shape of one’s head or face as an indicator of personality or intelligence. And my personal favorite: Gyromancy, the science of wandering in a circle of letters until dizzied, where one ultimately fall upon the letters that would form a word response, much like using an Ouija board!
So I figured that there must be a science devoted to the lines of navel stresses! So I did my investigation, and found a Metaphysician/Clairvoyant who practiced the art of Gastromancy or Krustomphaloskepsis, the science of determining the future through the study of stretch marks, especially as it pertains to “naval crackery,” yeessss! The Krustomphaloskepsisologist I contacted was one Dr. Avalnay Bahli-Bonton!
“The belly button is the Ouroborous circle indicating the universe as a whole,” he explained. “The universe is time. All time. Happening all at once. It is like your CD, or DVD, yes? All the information is there. All we must do is simply hone the mind as keenly as a laser to read this information so that it is encoded upon our very souls in harmony with the finite disposition of the external finite infinity!”
I went, "WHAT!? and WOW!" all at the same time!
Bahli-Bonton went on to explain that the stretch marks about the naval are, “the tributary lines of all destinies into the finite. There is one destiny, but several destinations towards reaching it.”
WHAT AND WOW AGAIN!
So I asked my dear Dr. Bahli-Bonton what he could read from my belly! And these are his premonitions/predictions/prognostications for me in the coming year:
“I see you on the t.v. screens of an unending multitude of people. It is unclear whether you are famous, or infamous. There is a great deal of vehement yelling or shouting!”
“Your book, THERE ARE NO BAD MOVIES (ONLY BAD AUDIENCES) will be bought and shunned by many. But that is okay. You still have their money!”
“You will be releasing a collection of melodies. The song, “MY GIRLFRIEND IS ON FIRE,” will be released to much acclaim. It will also be cause for an intense police investigation into the whereabouts of a certain actress named, um—I see Cicely. Cycely Tyson! Perhaps this is why you are on a multitude of television screens!”
“You’ll be invited to perform a duet with famed performer PEACHES CHRIST. Then you’ll be uninvited after the first session because of certain improprieties, LIBERTIES taken with the staff party platter, and a rolled bit of turkey lasciviously wielded.”
“You’ll receive a large sum of money!”
And then our reading was over as he handed me to two-hundred bucks he borrowed to get his car out of impound!
WOW, this guy is GOOOOOOODDDD!