Friday, December 3, 2010


Dr. Sarcofiguy was reading the newspaper this morning, and then it hit ‘em:  HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW HOW TO READ?!!!
I was one of those kids that had to stay out of school a whole year because of my birthday landing on the wrong day for enrollment, or some such nonsense!  So, I didn’t start school along with everybody else.  But what I can’t seem to remember is HOW I learnt how to read!
My parents certainly never read to me! 

Momma Farma Sue Tickle-Sarcofiguy only read the Gerber’s Baby Food jar to me in that irritating cutsey voice of hers whilst she was tryin’ to convince me that, “Strained peas is just the thing, honey chile!  And these squashed carrots?!  YUMZAHS!” she’d say, whilst, of course, taking a spoonful herself.
Come to think of it, she’d absently eat the whole thing during her impromptu demonstrations, leaving wittle Sarcofiguy to be a most hungry and totally terrifying TOT!  It was such a reoccurring theme with us, my momma sampling my victuals, that the phrase Momma Bites, and Momma Couples, came into being. 

“Let Momma have a bite of your hamburger,” was a statement that would turn my Big Mac into a light snack.  And the phrase, “Let Momma have a couple of your potato chips,” would leave me with nary a crumb to snatch, nor even enough salt to taunt a SLUG with!!!!

Daddy Cassias E. Missions-Sarcofiguy, a geneticist who unsuccessfully spliced the genes of an ostrich with a chicken, so that farmers could have 50% more chicken necks to effectively wring--and for the consumer to boil for a good soup stock, never read to me either!  All he’d do was extol the virtues of, “good nasal hygiene!”

“One should pick one’s nose as frequently as possible!  The nose is a cavity, not a cavern!  There should be no trace evidence of proboscisal stalactite, or stalagmite formations visibly erected in ones nostrils!” he’d say.

So how ever DID I learn to read?  How I ever enjoyed Dr. Seuss, Mrs. Piggle Wiggle, and Runaway Ralph as a boy is beyond me!


  1. Is it possible that Aliens abducted you and taught you to read over night? By the way this is going to say posted by bunnyapril, i'ts really by Sebastian Howard from Pulse.

  2. Welcome, my dear Mr. Howard! And aliens are a definite possibility. I do suffer from unexplainable dreams where I'm being beset by a very short fellow, with an ebon face, and large eyes. It appears he speaks by means of telepathy because he apparently doesn't have a mouth. And he's wearing something that looks like a Roman Centurian helmet. . .he keeps threatening to blow up the earth with his "Space Modulator?"