Friday, December 31, 2010


I've been so many places in my space and time.  I sang a lot of songs and made some bad rhymes!
I've acted out my life on stages, with millions of people watching!

We're alone now. . .and I'm SINGIN' MY SONG FOR YOOUUUUUU!

The year has been totally bizarre!  Just the way I like it!

I've put myself through hell for ya!

I've tried to figure who'd win in a boxing match between Charles Nelson Reilly and Don Knotts!  Who'd win?  Who cares?!  DON'T YA JUST WANNA CHANCE TO ACTUALLY SEE IT?!!!!
-From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!

 I've made Curly wiser than he's ever been:

ASK CURLY!: His views on HEALTHCARE! - "People only tend to their health under duress! I figure if you push enough people from a plane without a chute they'll care about their health then, wouldn't they!?"
ASK CURLY!: The Meaning of Life - "Existence is a static, palpable system or structure. What we see, feel, touch. But "life" is largely a subjective matter, to be lived as the individual, or individuals sees fit, without infringing upon another individual's designated subjective paramenters. That is, unless of course, they're a buncha wise guys, see!" - From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!

  I've picked on Sarah Palin!
-From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!

And Regis Phibin, George Takai, William Shatner & THE MUPPETS
Perhaps I've misunderstood their facial expressions. I've noticed in the past that when Muppets want to look like they're smiling, they just simply keep their mouths open. - From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!

Justin Beiber was, of course, not spared!

And the movie Burlesque certainly got my endorsement. . .sort of!

I've SHOT children inta space for the sake of shameless self-promotion!

I've turned friends inta GIANT MONSTERS!

And created movies that ought ta exist, but dudn't!

I got THE HULK singin' the blues!

-From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!

I issued my grievances against totally TASTELESS commercials!

DIAGNOSIS MERRIMENT: What the HELL is wrong with the people who make those Charmin commercials?! They keep showing these bears crapping in the woods! Then they show that they have little residue speckles on their dearriers(sp?)! I can't tolerate that kinda nonsense while I'm eating! Who told them that THIS was remotely tasteful?!!!!!  - From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!

I've created items that never should exist on a store shelf! 

-From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!


And I've created movie vehicles for myself!  YESSSS! 

I've pitted sisters against one another!
"Merula, why is it you mistreat me so? Is it compulsion? Revenge?"
"Estelle, darling, it's because you're a perfectionist! To give you anything less than the highest caliber of viciousness would be an insult!"
"???!!!" - From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!

I've spread malicious rumors:

phyl·lo also fi·lo (fl, f-) n.
1. A pastry dough layered in very thin sheets that become flaky when baked, used especially in Greek and Middle Eastern dishes. 2. Dough that doesn't at all mind being inappropriately fondled.

-From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!

DIAGNOSIS MERRIMENT!: Whatever happened to the Green Giant & Little Sprout?! Apparently Little Sprout was arrested for possession! It seems that Little Sprout was actually a marijuana bud, and he'd been routinely, and habitually, toking on HIMSELF throughout the years. As for the Green Giant? He never existed, and was simply a hallucinogenic extention of Little Sprout's fevered imagination! - From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!

 I've attacked you with HAM-STERS!!!!
-From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!

And OH, the costume changes!

AND the facial reconstructions!

Again, I attacked POOR Sarah Palin!

-From the SARCOFIGUY Facebook Page!

Don't forget the celebrity endorsements from dead people!

Hell, I even helped people with coping with diversity!  Racially. . .

. . . .and SEXUALLY!!!!!

And I still came out smelling like SANNIE KLAUS. . . .

Where WORLD PEAS was had!



Happy New Year INDEED!

Thursday, December 30, 2010


A donut hole is something of a philosophical and existential disparity.  One would think that a donut hole, as opposed to a donut whole, would be everything of nothing.  An anomaly of edible emptiness!  

Donuts themselves are symbolic of the Alchemical Alembic. 

The empty Ourobourous creating an end to its own eternal struggle by issuing forth a cyclical “windbreak” or “pearl” fashioned from its own essence, much like an oyster producing its complex mucous concretions about an irritant.  Once this “irritant” is primed with all the negative information that it has absorbed, as does the human liver filtering impurities from the body, this cosmic “irritant,” or rather, this “cork” POPS and is sent out into the void where they are captured by your local bakery practitioner.    

Of course, this is long after the donut hole orbits its parent donut in an elliptical pattern for approximately 3 days!

I’ve always loved donut holes. 

We with our simplistic view of them, we have never tapped into the true potential of these exo-celestial/pan-transcendental treats!  If we were to simply devote all of our time into stimulating all of the dormant power of our pineal glands by promoting the kinetic energy of our collective Kundalini’s, as produced through the sacral region of the body. . .

. . .we could then unlock all those clinging covalent molecular bonds of cinnamon covered fried dough, those complex confectionary sugar covered spheres.  .  .

And soon we can embrace those hallowed cholesterol laden corridors.  Those honey combed compartmental infinities.  Oh yea, and verily we should all learn to plumb the depths of The Donut Holisticality with a keen perspicacity into the divine sanctity of those vasty spongy lairs! 

The sublime layers of all that gingery, all-spicy univerisimilitude!!!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Are ya tired of being a certain race, but you don't actually wanna pay a lotta money for costly surgical procedures?!  Then try my very own patent pending process of WHITENBLACKENFICATION!

Why if black face performer Al Jolson had contacted me, he wouldn't have been nearly as racistly provocative whilst singin' Mammy!  Oh no! 

With but a few adjustments of my very own Visual Pigmentation Process, he could look like my saintly grandfather, Roscoe Lee Sarcofiguy!  YEESSSS!

MICHAEL JACKSON, god rest his soul!!!!!

Why, he could'a got ALL the surgery he wanted to his nose and doo, and still have kept that charmin' Negroid/Moorish hue!

SEE!  What did I tellya?!
Michael Jackson could'a got the process done on all his photos if'n he just
consulted me, poor thing.  And never have shown his face in public again! 

Just look at what I did for this charmin' fella below!

Look how he's sportin' that hightop fade!  VERY 80'S! 
And don't I make his blue eyes brown?!

And I DID say "WHITENBLACKENIFICATION," didn't I?!  It works in reverse too!
Mind you, results may vary the more profound your original skin tonalities!  I'm doin' one right now for actor Wesley Snipes!  Lord, he's the most difficult job of my life!  But I'm attacking it with relish. . .and a few more coats of HIGH YELLA!

Now the fella featured above, however, is lookin' a little like Cab Calloway right now!  Or even El Debarge!
But with a few more "treatments", he'll be lookin' like Pat Boone in NO TIME!!!!