CITIZEN SARCOFIGUY
Article by Connie Whang-Chung
I’m here in downtown Washington, DC at the spacious campaign headquarters of Doctor W.E.B Sarcofiguy. There’s a flurry of activity everywhere, from young, nubile volunteers answering phones, to Dr. Sarcofiguy himself shaking hands, and kissing babies. . .a charge that he was earlier exonerated of by Circuit Court Judge Henry Plimpton.
I’ve interrupted Dr. Sarcofiguy from his busy schedule for a brief one on one about his campaign bid for the prestigious RONDO AWARD.
THE CONNIE WHANG-CHUNG/SARCOFIGUY INTERVIEW
WHANG-CHUNG: Doctor Sarcofiguy, thank you for taking the time to sit with me.
DOCTOR S.: It’s my pleasure, Ms. Whang-Chung! When they told me I was gonna be interviewed by Whang-Chung tonight, I KNEW I was gonna have FUN tonight, yesssss!
WHANG-CHUNG: So, Doctor, you’re campaigning for the Rondo Award for Favorite Horror Host!
DOCTOR S.: Yesss!
WHANG-CHUNG: What’s your platform?
DOCTOR S.: Why, it’s flat, and I’M STANDING ON IT!
WHANG-CHUNG: It’s mahogany, I see!
DOCTOR S.: Oh, yes! Nothing but the best!
WHANG-CHUNG: Let me ask you. . .how will you stimulate the economy?
DOCTOR S.: By talkin’ suggestively about Wall Street! To wit: “Hey, Mr. Stockbroker! When you’re trading, do you like it rough?” Or, “Hey, Dow Jones! Let me fumble with your points! I promise I can make your stock rise, for sure!”
WHANG-CHUNG: Sounds good! How about the National Deficit?
DOCTOR S.: I dunno, but “National Deficit” sounds like a great name for a ball team! Or a boy band! Wait—ball team. Boy band. Ohhhh, I’ll figure it out later!
WHANG-CHUNG: What are you views on abortion?
DOCTOR S.: Well, I’m kinda biased, seeing as I was the issue of an inhuman host with remarkable table manners!
WHANG-CHUNG: I see. And for my final question: Where do you see yourself in five years?
DOCTOR S.: Whatameye?! A goddamned CLAIRVOYANT?! I never liked that question on job interviews, and I’m damned if I’m gonna answer it now!
WHANG-CHUNG: Thank you!
THIS CAMPAIGN HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO ABUSE EXECUTIVE WASHROOMS.
ALL ADDITIONAL PROCEEDS WILL BE DONATED TO THE PROMOTION OF TOOTH DECAY.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
“A BIG SMILE, MEANS A BIG MOUTH!”
"I APPROVE THIS!!!!"
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