I’m here in downtown Washington, DC at the spacious campaign headquarters of Doctor W.E.B Sarcofiguy.There’s a flurry of activity everywhere, from young, nubile volunteers answering phones, to Dr. Sarcofiguy himself shaking hands, and kissing babies. . .a charge that he was earlier exonerated of by Circuit Court Judge Henry Plimpton.
I’ve interrupted Dr. Sarcofiguy from his busy schedule for a brief one on one about his campaign bid for the prestigious RONDO AWARD.
THE CONNIE WHANG-CHUNG/SARCOFIGUY INTERVIEW
WHANG-CHUNG:Doctor Sarcofiguy, thank you for taking the time to sit with me.
DOCTOR S.:It’s my pleasure, Ms. Whang-Chung!When they told me I was gonna be interviewed by Whang-Chung tonight, I KNEW I was gonna have FUN tonight, yesssss!
WHANG-CHUNG:So, Doctor, you’re campaigning for the Rondo Award for Favorite Horror Host!
WHANG-CHUNG:What’s your platform?
DOCTOR S.:Why, it’s flat, and I’M STANDING ON IT!
WHANG-CHUNG:It’s mahogany, I see!
DOCTOR S.:Oh, yes!Nothing but the best!
WHANG-CHUNG:Let me ask you. . .how will you stimulate the economy?
DOCTOR S.:By talkin’ suggestively about Wall Street!To wit:“Hey, Mr. Stockbroker!When you’re trading, do you like it rough?”Or, “Hey, Dow Jones!Let me fumble with your points!I promise I can make your stock rise, for sure!”
WHANG-CHUNG:Sounds good!How about the National Deficit?
DOCTOR S.:I dunno, but “National Deficit” sounds like a great name for a ball team!Or a boy band!Wait—ball team.Boy band.Ohhhh, I’ll figure it out later!
WHANG-CHUNG:What are you views on abortion?
DOCTOR S.:Well, I’m kinda biased, seeing as I was the issue of an inhuman host with remarkable table manners!
WHANG-CHUNG:I see.And for my final question:Where do you see yourself in five years?
DOCTOR S.:Whatameye?!A goddamned CLAIRVOYANT?!I never liked that question on job interviews, and I’m damned if I’m gonna answer it now!
THIS CAMPAIGN HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO ABUSE EXECUTIVE WASHROOMS.
ALL ADDITIONAL PROCEEDS WILL BE DONATED TO THE PROMOTION OF TOOTH DECAY.