Thursday, February 17, 2011

A RONDO FOR HIS CONDO!!!!



CITIZEN SARCOFIGUY
Article by Connie Whang-Chung
I’m here in downtown Washington, DC at the spacious campaign headquarters of Doctor W.E.B Sarcofiguy.  There’s a flurry of activity everywhere, from young, nubile volunteers answering phones, to Dr. Sarcofiguy himself shaking hands, and kissing babies. . .a charge that he was earlier exonerated of by Circuit Court Judge Henry Plimpton.
I’ve interrupted Dr. Sarcofiguy from his busy schedule for a brief one on one about his campaign bid for the prestigious RONDO AWARD.

THE CONNIE WHANG-CHUNG/SARCOFIGUY INTERVIEW
WHANG-CHUNG:  Doctor Sarcofiguy, thank you for taking the time to sit with me. 
DOCTOR S.:  It’s my pleasure, Ms. Whang-Chung!  When they told me I was gonna be interviewed by Whang-Chung tonight, I KNEW I was gonna have FUN tonight, yesssss!
WHANG-CHUNG:  So, Doctor, you’re campaigning for the Rondo Award for Favorite Horror Host!
DOCTOR S.:   Yesss!
WHANG-CHUNG:  What’s your platform?
DOCTOR S.:  Why, it’s flat, and I’M STANDING ON IT!
WHANG-CHUNG:  It’s mahogany, I see!
DOCTOR S.:  Oh, yes!  Nothing but the best!
WHANG-CHUNG:  Let me ask you. . .how will you stimulate the economy?
DOCTOR S.:  By talkin’ suggestively about Wall Street!   To wit:   “Hey, Mr. Stockbroker!  When you’re trading, do you like it rough?”  Or, “Hey, Dow Jones!  Let me fumble with your points!  I promise I can make your stock rise, for sure!”
WHANG-CHUNG:  Sounds good!  How about the National Deficit?
DOCTOR S.:  I dunno, but “National Deficit” sounds like a great name for a ball team!  Or a boy band!  Wait—ball team.  Boy band.  Ohhhh, I’ll figure it out later!
WHANG-CHUNG:  What are you views on abortion?
DOCTOR S.:  Well, I’m kinda biased, seeing as I was the issue of an inhuman host with remarkable table manners!
WHANG-CHUNG:  I see.  And for my final question:  Where do you see yourself in five years?
DOCTOR S.:  Whatameye?!  A goddamned CLAIRVOYANT?!  I never liked that question on job interviews, and I’m damned if I’m gonna answer it now!
WHANG-CHUNG:  Thank you!

THIS CAMPAIGN HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO ABUSE EXECUTIVE WASHROOMS.
ALL ADDITIONAL PROCEEDS WILL BE DONATED TO THE PROMOTION OF TOOTH DECAY.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: 
“A BIG SMILE, MEANS A BIG MOUTH!”
"I APPROVE THIS!!!!"
NOW, VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE WHILE YOU'RE CONCIOUS: 
click here for THE RONDO AWARDS!!!!

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